Who be the boss

• Throughout the ages the dynamic between men and women has been analysed, prodded, poked, at times mutilated. So this is my contribution to a subject that I have no doubt will be discussed for Eons to come.

The first thing we need to understand is that women don’t know what they want. At the core of their being though they basically want prince charming remixed. It’s a syndrome caused by the media and the classic manner in which girls and boys are taught.

Suga and spice and everything nice….. :

Little girls are told stories about gallant princes who slay fierce dragons and awake beautiful princesses with a gentle kiss. They yearn to be that princess, they want to feel that gentle kiss, but not before you slay that mutha fucker of a Dragon my son. Nothing is free in this world.

Modern day men are still slaying metaphorical dragons to impress their damsel in distress. Now prince charming has replaced his trusty steed with a v tech and his lance with a bank account. Now I’m not saying all women are goldiggers, no no, I would never, he he he (insert evil laugh here……..)

What I am saying is that there is a similar pattern, we have been pre programmed as men and women to follow this ritual. Men are lumped into various categories by women (as we do to them, so lets not get self righteous boys). But generally these categories can be put into two larger main groups. The bad boy vs. the nice guy.

The Bad Boy: This dude seems to be the most popular with the ladies, he’s silent, brooding and too hot to handle. He’s going to treat you like shit but and you know this and yet you can’t resist.

The Nice guy : you are going to tell your friends what a nice guy he is and they are going to agree with you , then you’re going to dump him a month later because he’s boring and you’re friends are going to agree with you .

When Bad boy treats you like shit you will often lament the loss of said nice guy but will always go back to Mr. Bad Boy. Circle of life and all that.

Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails….

A man’s first encounter with a woman is his mom, ladies you are never going to be a good as his mom, so don’t even try. Half your battle is won right there.

Attraction to the opposite sex is more of a physical feeling for men. One day we are kicking a tennis ball around in the quad, oblivious to any female presence and the next thing all we can think about is breasts. We have no grand story to base of expectations of the opposite sex on, all we have is a funny feeling in our pants telling us to get this girl.


Now ask yourself again why some men only seem to be after one thing, can you blame them. Basically women have a guide to how they want their relations with the opposite sex to go, prince, dragon, and gentle kiss. All men have is a tingling penis and a fixed eye of a women’s chest, it’s confusing and exciting at the same time.

We are always catching up ladies, ALWAYS!

We too have categories that can be loosely broken up into two groups. The girl next door and the hook up. The former is the girl you take home to mom and the latter you have sex with in a car.

The girl in the club: This is when one employs the short game , most guys want to make sure they putting from the green though ( a certain whether she’s interested by a series of “meaningful looks” , then the approach and then implement plan of action (whatever that plan may be) . If all goes well, sexual intercourse will follow, perhaps even a regular hook up, but you’re never going to commit to this girl.

The girl next door: This is the girl that has got u by the balls son. She is it; you didn’t have any idea of what it was till you met her. She loves you, you love her buuuut she not exactly a wild cat in the bedroom. You make love to her as oppose to fuck her. Meeting this girl is like being hit by a truck for most men, they resist it, they sometimes attempt to fuck it up but after a while they realise that this is it, single life is over forever.

Reality Bites

A few nights ago i was lazing at home fliping through channels when i noticed an alarming amount of reality tv shows that has littered our tv screens of late. The sad thing is that we as the viewing public cant get enough of it . I suppose it speaks to our basic human need to pry into the lives of others . In movies the spy is hailed as a debonaire character with slick hair and even slicker moves . Where i come from its called a piempe and the only moves he's be doing is running away from an angry mob . but i digress.

Here are some standard features of the reality tv show:

eMO guy:The im so emotional because im telling a really sad story about what inspired me to come on this show moment . eg. im taking part in idols because it was my dog rex's dying wish before we put him down.

The bitch fight : My personal favourite , this is where two girls from different sides of the tracks bad mouth each other for half the show and then eventually come to blows half way through. This usually hails the exit of one of the girls. Yes, we as the public take sides .

The bad boy: He's mean and offensive and we cant wait to hear what he says next . Generally well built dude with spiked hair. An idiot for all intensive purposes but we love to judge him .
The tramp: She sleeps with everyone in sight and then has an emotional outbreak because people are calling her a slut. boo hoo

The playa: He is the good looking cat with all the right moves , he usually starts knocking the girls out one by one as soon as possible. Usually at the end of the show reunion show he says he's change his ways , no doubt to facilitate the deflowering of more women at a later stage.

I could go on and on .

The formualic way in which "reality" shows structured defeats the whole label of reality. Yet like i said earlier , we'll keep watching . Because we all like the feeling of thinking , "hey at least im not as bad as that dude."

What can i do ?

This week i was confronted with some disturbing realisations about my role as a member of this planet . The question was asked "what are you doing to make this world a better place" , the sad truth is that i and so many of my generation have done very little . We are isolated islands locked in a bubble of mxit , google talk , facebook etc . When John Donne said "no man is an Island" the concept of unlimited internet access had obviously never been thought of lol .

After a lengthy discussion with crawford brain trust (consisting of my friends and a bong) we came to the conclusion that number one , that we had the munchies and number two , that we as young people use the excuse that our contribution won't mean much so that we can validate not doing anything . The concept of the boy throwing one starfish into the sea at a time still holds true now and any small difference is still a difference . We then decided that we would make it out mission to start throwing our very own starfish into the sea .

If we all started thinking in this manner just think how much more we could get done , wether it be volunteering at your church or reading to the blind , anything helps . I am aware of the cliched nature of this post but fuck it ..... thats one starfish for me .

Relax........ take it eaaaasy

Of late i have been confronted with a lot of emo , i wanna die , what am i living for type behaviour from various people . The trend seems to be growing and i am posting this to do my part to kill it ( the trend that is ).

What am i living for u ask ? LIFE U NIT , LIFE! laying on the beach on a hot summers days , snuggling under the covers on a cold winters day , good friends , good food , good company , great parties , the morning after a great party , the party the following evening , the sexual intercourse u had at those parties , the sexual intercourse u almost had at those parties , the sexual intercourse you didn't have but still told all your friends you had at the party , the birds chirping , old school songs that remind you of your youth , nostalgia , being successful at something , failing and picking yourself back up and trying again , etc etc etc .

We have it all to do , you are wasting time mutha fuckers !!

Be careful not to fall into the trap of taking yourself too seriously , be aware of why you are here . If work is what you do full stop , you have a problem , if money is what u like full stop you have a problem . These things should merely be in aid of facilitating the good times , EVERYONE should be in aid of that . So this is me saying sit back , have a beer and chill the fuck out .

anna hornby : ready for her close up

ladies and gentleman i would like to introduce to you ..... the talented .... the caring ..... the super hot till you drop cant stop make it waaaaaarm anna hornby . I was directed to the acting prowess of young Anna by a good friend of mine who wishes to remain nameless (edo) and upon viewing several of her short films i have come to the conclusion that she is indeed a rare talent .

Anna visited cape town not so long ago and was able to adapt easily to the coloured way of life. In no time she had learnt key words such as naai , vark , poes and the ever popular ma se poes. Her ability to swear and drink copious amounts of alcohol was paraled by her loving and caring nature for the young children which she cared for on a volunteer basis. Indeed it was this caring nature that brought her and the sunshine she has in her smile to our shores.

Anna Hornby seems then to be a bit of a renaissance woman , both academically and socially sound . This balance is about as hard to find as democracy in Zimbabwe . Make no mistake Anna even though u might think this post a form of raiden it is by no means so.

Anna's next adventure lays before her in Australia .... stay tuned for more when Anna's braves the land of the sheep fuckers .

strippers : whats thier buzz

On Saturday i had my first foray into the world of the stripper . My friends and i on a whim decided to visit Mavericks . Now the idea of a girl teasing me and me paying for it is somewhat retarded to me but i went with for the sake of shall we say "curiosity" .

my analogy of why the idea of a strip club is retarded is as follows : Imagine that your at a party and a girl flirts with you the whole night , dances provactively etc . Then as soon as you try to make your move shoots you down . Your reaction would be that of confusion and disgust and the words "what the fuck!? " would no doubt escape your self .

Now only one thing makes strippers worse than that ; THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY PAYING TO BE COCK TEASED .

take head gentleman , strippers are like the women at Avis car hire , they're only being nice to you becuase its their job !

and yet despite this warning , i have no doubt that the likes of Mavericks and Teasers will be full this weekend .... to this i have one word DUMBASS!

Gangsta Rap : what are they really saying ?

Today we will examine the intertextual and metaphoric meaning behind "rap music".

For today's lesson we will look at the line " sipping on gin and juice , laid back ,with my mind on my money and my money on my mind"

This no doubt refers to the plight of the disenfranciased african american male who while enjoying his alchoholic beverage and thinking about his money is exhibiting typical behaviour caused by his socio political situation.

His drinking problem and his financial situation is no doubt as a result of the oppresive nature of the country in the past .

The other theory is that drinking is lekker and money buys more drinks and that he is paaaartying .

the options lay before you , feel free to share your opinion

I'LL HOLLA!!!